Lessons from Xbox

There’s nothing like getting your ass kicked by the neighbor’s twelve year old in a friendly game of Halo 3 to let you know your best days just might be behind you.   After he gets sick and tired of killing you with his weapons, just for fun, he runs up to you and punches your lights out with his fists.   After six or seven of those, you can’t help but blurt out, Go home you little bastard!

Of course that is just the moment your wife walks by, Do you want me to take that game away from you , and she’s not talking to the kids.

I’m sorry honey, I won’t say it again.   She gives you that look I married a two year old.

But he’s cheating.   Now she gives the worse look I married a two year old and he’s an idiot.

In the back of your mind you’re thinking O.K. sucker, if I don’t beat you soon, I’m going to really beat you.

All right boys, why don’t you go play with that Nerf Shooting thing you got.   The boys get up happily to shoot at something that won’t swear at them.

Not so fast Brandon!   You stay right here, it’s me and you, mano-a-mano baby.

You want to mano, old man?   Let’s go, I’ll mano you.

Smart ass doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about.   Now I’ve really got a chance, as long as this punk doesn’t have two other targets to shoot at I can stay away from him and beat him with strategy even though he has me beat by dexterity.

After a hard fought battle where I begin to pull ahead, I start the taunts, You’re going down Brandon, you’re going down

Finally I finish him off, proud and victorious.   I beat the little brat, jump and cheer wildly high fiving anyone who walks by.  

Brandon just looks at me dispirited and dismayed that I beat him.

So big deal, you beat a twelve year old, and my mom says you’re just a heartless conservative.

Oh, we are resorting to name calling now tell your mom it’s better to be a heartless conservative than a stupid liberal.   If I was a stupid liberal, we’d have to play with liberal rules, and you’d never win.

What are liberal rules?

You’re the best, right?


O.K., since you’re the best, every time you get three points you get taxed one, and have to give it to me.   So if we are playing to 25 you have to score 32 and I only have to score 18 to win.   How do you like that?

After a long pause Brandon proclaims incredulously, I’m going home, you cheat!

That’s it Brandon, don’t engage the argument, don’t debate the facts

He slams our front door on his way out.   My wife, just coming down the stairs to witness the spectacle exclaims, What’s going on down here?  

She stared at me for an answer.

That kid’s a typical liberal!

I turned and went back to play Xbox live online where I proceeded to get annihilated by a bunch of other brats since I couldn’t institute the fair and just liberal rules.

For those of you parents who bought Xbox’s for your kids this Christmas, remember to always play by liberal rules; that way when your kids are old enough to buy toys for their kids, maybe they will have voted in a manner that allows them to spend their hard-earned money on your grandchildren instead of someone else’s grandchildren.  


Copyright 2007 Jim Pontillo

22 thoughts on “Lessons from Xbox

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  2. Yay! Conservatives adults spend so much time getting their panties in a bunch in order to beat a 12 year-old in a kid’s game.


  3. And in return for those one in four points, the kid gets a bed and food and clothes. Just to carry your metaphor on a bit.

    Sounds fair to me.

  4. the fact that you did this and then posted it on the internet as if you were proud of it already makes you a dick regardless of your politics.

    they just accentuate the fact.

  5. Nice post, very humorous… but, to carry your logic out further wouldn’t that mean that a conservative X-Box policy would mean that once you achieved success at Halo 3 you would be in an elite group that, among other benefits, would be able to have access to Halo 4 before anyone else? That way you could practice and then when it was opened up for the general public you would have a head start on the learning curve? You would also be against any situation that would allow non X-Box owners to gain experience with any of the Halo games as this would only benefit our nation’s Halo skills and would not benefit you personally. This would go on and on in perpetuity and your children and children’s children would have the same advantages through no work of their own.

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  7. Mark,

    I don’t quite understand the logic in your post. It contains misconceptions liberal thinkers attribute to conservative desire.

    Just because many Republicans have done a terrible job, this current crop is no exception, doesn’t mean their actions represent conservative thought.

    What real conservative thinkers want is no special advantages for anyone, but that hard work and success not by penalized by overpowering government embracing the ruse that they make things “fair”.

    As for wealthy people giving their children advantages–It is the prerogative, and aspiration of all responsible parents to help their children have a better life than they did.

    I hope my children won’t have to work a 100 hours a week and nearly loose limbs in dangerous machinery like I have. That’s not evil, that’s called being a good parent.

    Government that prevents or regulates such action is what is evil.

  8. It’s plain to see that the liberals can’t see the humor in your post. Calm down libs, it was just a funny, haha, post. When I read Eric Muller’s post calling conservativs uptight warmongers it had me laughing out loud.

  9. Funny post, but not very insightful.

    I guess golf is a sport only for liberals, what with that handicap system and all? 😉

  10. Jim,

    My apologies, I was attempting to use the same type of humorous stereotypes and misconceptions in my comment as you had used in your post… sorry if that didn’t translate well. I actually liked your XBOX post a lot – t’was quite funny.


  11. For Conservatives…Gun control is being able to hit your target…Hopefully a wacked out drug using pinko commie liberal bastard!

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  14. Jim,

    LOL – Liberal Sniffer wouldn’t pick anything up here. Did you get your Liberal Sniffer at the same place I picked up my Hypocrisy Shield?


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