I Counted the Squares

I want to know how it is that Sheryl Crow does her business, and then cleans up her backside with one toilet paper square without getting icky brown stuff on her fingers.   She recently blogged on the Huffington Post, incredulous, that Karl Rove didn’t want to shake her hand.   Imagine that?

I have a pretty simple rule when it comes to that all too private and ubiquitous task; I wipe till it’s clean!   Now I suppose if I become Hollywood enlightened I’ll understand that cleanliness is not really next to Godliness.   Actually, what I meant was, since there is no God, why bother being clean?   Isn’t that what they are telling us?

From kindergarten, I recall the simple and humorous anecdote, He who goes to bed with itchy butt wakes up with smelly   Evidently, the average five year old has a better grasp of personal hygiene than does Sheryl Crow.

One wonders if that cancer was in her brain and not her breast.   We wish her well, however, those with a mental deficiency should not be promoting public policy.  

After her Karl Rove run-in, Sheryl insisted she only wanted an open and fresh debate.   What for?   There is nothing to debate.   Barbara Boxer and Al Gore have already declared, unequivocally, there is no longer room for debate.   The science is in.   Global Warming due to man made carbon dioxide is a fact.  

Karl Rove and the Bush administration are destroying the earth.   We just need to make sure we get a Democrat in the White House, right?  

Aside from saving us from Global Warming, this new President will immediately repeal the Patriot Act, release all the political prisoners from Guantanamo Bay, insure the FBI and CIA cannot communicate with each other (we are making it way too difficult for Al Qaeda to attack us again), increase our taxes because the rich are screwing everyone, appoint Supreme Court justices who will affirm partial birth abortion on demand, and spoil blue dresses worn by White House interns; how many toilet paper squares is one allotted to clean that up?

Sheryl says, The cheapest energy is the energy you don’t use in the first place.

Why didn’t I think of that?   I wonder the lowest calorie hamburger is the hamburger you don’t eat in the first place.   The safest bank robbery is the bank robbery you don’t commit to begin with.   The job you don’t go to work and do is the job least offensive to the environment I just don’t know.  

The taxes you don’t pay is more money in your pocket.   The groceries you steal will fill up your pantry.   The tire you don’t blow is less effort to change.   Now we are getting somewhere

How about…the fewer whacked out Hollywood freaks you listen to the better your chance of being a sane person!

I could go on to list a dozen stats that even Sheryl’s super scientists would agree cast some doubt on the presupposition that man made carbon dioxide is totally responsible for Climate Change as indisputable fact, but it would hardly matter.  

The liberal religion ventures to always subjugate American citizens in favor of government.    Conservatives endeavor to succeed within the free-enterprise system, while liberals tend to be drawn to the bureaucratic government positions that can give them power without competence.   Adherence to their religion will ultimately guarantee that liberalism will prevail through government force without the qualities of excellence demanded by market competition.

This ideology worked so good in the Soviet Union, liberals can’t wait to get it here.   As nuts and immoral as the Soviets were, I don’t believe they even tried to allocate toilet paper squares.

For the record, after I go, I tug at the toilet paper roll.   It usually takes three or four tugs to make sure everything is O.K. down there.   Sometimes, I need one or two extra tugs.   Each tug has 6 or so sheets for a total of about 30 squares on an average bathroom run.   I guess Sheryl can hit the head thirty times each time I go.   Good for her.

Until John Travolta quits flying his 707 and sucks back all that CO2 he’s left in the atmosphere I think I should be able to go potty in peace and not have to ration my toilet paper tugs.  

Copyright 2007 Jim Pontillo